A new year is always exciting … the anticipation of new adventures, new choices, new beginnings.
Reflecting back on the last four years, I have to say I have come a long way in the healing process from being abused by a mother who very clearly exhibits Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD. Growing up with such a parent leaves a soul confused and deeply hurt emotionally, even mentally.
Everything came to a big head about four years ago that resulted in me no longer having any contact with my family of origin. Shortly after that, I entered into therapy and I have to say, it was life saving for me. In a nutshell, I learned that the abuse or cause of abuse was not my fault and never was, even though my abuser played (and maybe still plays) the victim, making me look like I was the abusive one. Classic NPD behaviour.
I am a much more whole person than I have ever been. I never thought I’d get that far in becoming more whole, more healed. With that comes discovering who I really am at my core, and I am still learning and discovering.
I have learned that my identity is wrapped up in Christ, and God is in process of continually showing me what that looks like. What is amazing about His work is that He can make beauty out of ashes and He can restore the broken places. He is the bondage breaker and soul healer. He has broken the abuse chain.
Family. I grew up feeling like I was always on the outside looking in as if I never really belonged, and my mother was the primary source of that. They proved over time that ‘family will not be there for you no matter what.’ But guess what, God was! He rescued me and adopted me and said to me, “Even though your mother and father forsake you, I will not forsake you.” He said He’d love me deeply, madly – and He has!
I hope my new year is full of God continuing to show me who I really am at my core. I hope that I will get my joy back in full – that I might glorify Him. That I may be able to tell my story as a message of hope to other hurting souls who have endured this kind of abuse, which I believe is the most insidious and diabolical abuse there is because it took me YEARS to put my finger on it. So many mixed crazy-making messages.
About four years ago, I would have never have dreamt that I’d be in this place where I am not angry or bitter anymore. I thought I’d come to miss my family. But I don’t. I guess its easy to not miss people who were never really there for you anyway. I really was on the outside.
I look forward to a new year embracing who I truly am in Him, that I may be effective for God’s use – that I may offer hope to the broken-hearted and soul-shredded.
~ Saoirse Quill