Second guess myself? Yes, I did it all the time – I second-guessed everything I did as a wife, mother and friend. It was awful – always wondering if I was doing the right thing – was I doing the wrong thing? Did I offend someone? Do I apologize? Do I not apologize? … I still second-guess myself but nowhere near as often as I used to. I used to second-guess everything.
Abuse by someone exhibiting NPD does this to their victims. The victim is made to believe that they are at fault for anything that goes wrong, especially as it pertains to the abuser. The victim is so convinced of it that the thought of anything being the abuser’s fault barely crosses their minds. It is really crazy-making.
The second-guessing can be so nuts, that not only do you second-guess your decisions, but your actions. You second-guess your thinking, your intentions. You even second-guess who you are.
You struggle with who you are, and then you think you know who you are until your abuser tells you you’re somebody else. It can lead you to doubting your sanity, your reality even. You wonder if things are as real as you think they are or if they are just illusion … or delusion.
When healing from this abuse, one slowly comes out of this fog of confusion and things become much clearer and the second-guessing diminishes more and more.
And the only way I could come out of that fog was by separating myself from it. I had to remove myself from my abuser. In doing so, things slowly got better. I started second-guessing less and less as time went on as I started to trust my own judgment more and more.
I still do it – second-guess – but its not as often nor as debilitating as it once was. I am much more confident in my reality now than I have ever been.
For anyone who struggles with this … keep striving for healing your heart and your mind … its gets better. It really does.
~ Saoirse Quill