She Never Saw

I loved her once, a long time ago.  She never knew.  She never noticed.  From the time I was a little girl I was always vying for her affections.

I was a compliant girl who tried to be as pleasing as can be, in effort to earn her affections, her heart.  But she never noticed.  She never saw.

She made me clean her house every Saturday while she spent the mornings with her favourite where they’d talk and giggle the morning away.  I complied.  It didn’t work.  I was a thing, not a person.  She never saw.  She never noticed.

Day after day I did this until one day I realized that she never saw and never noticed and I went my own way.  This is when she moved me out of her house for being lazy, me – the one who cleaned her house and did her laundry and always did the supper dishes.  She never noticed.  She never saw.

When I became a Christian, my heart was changed and I tried once again to win her heart.  Determined I was to love her into loving me … I tried patience, I tried kindness and goodness toward her … it didn’t work.  She never saw.  She never noticed.  She chose to not see.  The abuse got worse.  I became an empty shell stripped of all self worth, soul shredded.  Heart shattered.  She never noticed.  She never saw.

And then one day, the Lord said to me, “There is nothing you could ever do or say that will ever make her love you.”  My heart sunk.  I cried. I didn’t want it to be true, but I knew in my gut He was right.  And He was.  She didn’t love me – you cannot make someone love you.  She didn’t see.

Struggling with letting go, He gave me two visions to assure me my gut was right – she could not be in my life.  He told me that, ‘Though your father and mother forsake you,’ He told me, ‘I will never forsake you.’ He showed me how deep His love was for me … and that no one would be able to snatch me from His hand.  His love is the first real love I ever knew in all my life.  She never saw.  She never knew.

After several years I attempted to let her into my life one last time about five years ago via social media only (to see how it’d go) … it didn’t work. It was an effort in futility.  The last thing she ever said to me … “You were always so hard to love.”

Truth be known, I wasn’t hard to love … it was hard for her to love … to love me.  It’s love itself she never knew.  It’s love she didn’t have in her.  She never noticed because love gives, it does not take and it does not destroy.

When it comes to love, I suspect she never knew.  She never saw.  She never noticed.  And the truth of it is, she never, ever, ever saw … me.

~ Saoirse Quill


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