The Final Good-bye

Why is it that it seems that its always up to the victim to make an abusive relationship right?  Why is the abuser never confronted and coerced to make things right??!

I got into a conversation with someone I know fairly well yesterday about funerals.  I shared how I would certainly not be attending my parents’ funerals.  She seemed to think that I was a callous human being for choosing not to do so when it happens.  I have been no contact with my abusive (NPD) mother for 14 years to date and its been four years for my father and siblings who have no idea what my mother is really like.  I have endured years of abuse by my mother.  She not only broke my heart, but shredded my soul and completely warped my mind.

Why would I attend the funerals of someone who abused be and of someone whose enabled her and then also rejected me?

There is thinking that has to change out there in society – just because they are our parents, and in my case an abusive mother and an enabling father (although I am now wondering if he too exhibits NPD), I’m supposed to pay them my respect when they die?? Do people ever stop and consider what they’re saying or what they are asking of us who have endured this kind of abuse??  When people say this I often wonder if they are just repeating what some other person said – its just lip service without any real thought as to what they are asking of us. I know I am not the only one with such parents that feels the same way I do. My parents have not asked my forgiveness – in fact, I was told by my family of origin that “we don’t want to hear about it and we don’t want to talk about it.” That says right there that they have no intention of reconciling in any way … and then, someway, somehow, I’m the one who should pay my respects by showing up at their funerals???  I don’t think so.

Abuse is abuse no matter who is doing it. It’s just like how I recall an in-law on my husband’s side asking me some years ago how my mother was. I said, “I can’t know – she hasn’t been in my life for several years now.” He replied, astonished, “But that’s your mother!” To which I calmly replied, “You don’t know my mother.” End of conversation. What is it that when you say a parent is being abusive or has been abusive no wants to talk about it or discuss it?  It’s like they all want to put the rickety bones back into the closet and pretend its not there – and only the victim can hear the bones clacking together in there – no one else hears it but you.  It makes me so angry.

Then in a discussion I had with her today, she had the audacity to tell me that the abuse I endured ‘wasn’t that bad.’  Someone whose never witnessed what I endured is telling me it ‘wasn’t that bad‘??  She has no idea the horror and anxiety, the degradations and humiliations I endured.  None.  I lived with a mother who did NOT love me and her actions boldly reflected that, she was also insidiously abusive, and it was made very clear in how she treated me that she did in fact hate me.  To be told that my abuse was ‘not that bad’ made me furious – people who think they know what I’ve endured, who were not there – who never saw what went on in private between my mother and I, really burns me! I would never demean another person’s abuse especially when I have never experienced it!

Furthermore, I told her that my going to a parent’s funeral will just create tons of drama I can very much live without. She clearly doesn’t get the amazing dysfunction that is my family of origin! If I showed up to either of my parent’s funerals – the can of drama that would open and the smearing and gossiping that would be poured out would be more than I care to handle … NO THANKS! I am so NOT enduring that freaking mess! She, and whoever else, can think I am heartless all they want – meanwhile, they don’t even stop to consider their heartlessness toward me.  Ironic really.  I get so angry when people assume they think they know what I’ve been through (or not) when they have not, not even for one step, walked in my shoes!

And then the other card that gets played is the karma card.  As if to imply that if I don’t go to their funerals I will somehow die alone.  I said, “That karma thing so does not apply when abuse is involved!!”  Again – it is amazing to me how this gets applied to victims of abuse but never ever is this applied to the abusers!  When people say this to me, it says to me that they don’t believe me.

Good-byes in life happen when they happen.  Mine happened with my mother 14 years ago and four years ago with remaining family.  It was painful and heartbreaking – and my husband and children are the only ones who know how painful it was for me.  Fourteen years ago, I mourned my mother for about two months and I was an emotional and mental wreck.  I cannot see myself mourning her again – once was painful enough.

When parents have been abusive I don’t think that paying one’s respect by showing up at their funeral is of any benefit to anyone.  I know in my case it would only make me the topic of more smearing and gossip which is precisely why I went no contact in the first place.

Yes.  The thinking in society that we respect our parents even if they’re abusive, is wrong and this thinking has to change.  Even God’s Word tells us not to have anything to do with such people (2 Timothy 3:1-5) and I think that includes parents who are abusive and who enable abuse and choose rejection of the victim over dealing with the abuse and the abuser.

I already said my final good-byes … I don’t need to do it again at their funerals.

~ Saoirse Quill

This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.  For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, truce breakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: FROM SUCH TURN AWAY.”  {emphasis mine}

~ 2 Timothy 3:1-5

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2 thoughts on “The Final Good-bye

  1. Thank you for your posts. I am going through letting go of my mother right now. I have tried many times in the past, but this time I will make sure it is really goodbye for the sake of my own children. I was blown away when I read through your blog. I am so happy to have a term for it now, Maternal Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Everything I’ve read through describes my childhood perfectly and I have felt so alone. I can continue my healing process now. Know that you have helped at least one person.

    1. I know exactly how you feel – I have been there too. It was only when I came across the term NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) when healing really took place and when I could finally fully accept that how she was treating me, abusing me, was not my fault. For whatever wrongs I did I did ask her forgiveness – but she still held anything she considered ‘bad’ over my head and would publicly humiliate me. It’s awful being abused in this manner and like you, I broke ties so as to not only protect myself but my children as well. Welcome to my blog! I hope some of the links you find on the left will also be of some help to you.

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