Why is the victim the one whose supposed to make things right in a relationship?! Since when is it up the the victim to be the ‘bigger person’??! I mean, you’re kidding … right?!
This topic I have seen on other related blogs lately. Even in my own experience, it seemed like it was always up to me to fix the broken relationship with my mother … who was abusive to me. I tried for years – years – to ‘fix it.’ I tried for years to love her into loving me, trying to show her that I really am loveable. I tried everything I could think of. I even asked her for forgiveness for things that I’ve done that were my fault, but never got it. She always held the wrong over my head whenever she got the chance to do it – usually in the company of other people. Nothing I tried to win her worked. Nothing.
Relationships are never one-sided. It always takes two people to make a relationship work and when one person, in my case my abuser (and her enablers), doesn’t want to also fix it there is nowhere left to go with that. The painful lesson I learned in all this is that you cannot make someone love you no matter how hard you try. That other person still has to reciprocate! They too need to be forgiving and loving.
When you realize a relationship is in fact dead, there is not much you can do except walk away – sometimes running is even better. God never called us to be doormats, there are plenty of scriptures that tell us to not have anything to do with such people, with some we are not even supposed to eat with! (1 Corinthians 5:11) And in the case of being abused by someone who refuses to change, the only option is walking away.
Matthew 10:14, Mark 6:11 and Luke 9:5 tell us that if they don’t receive us, to shake the dust off our sandals as a testimony against them and leave. In 2 Timothy 3:1-5 tells us what kind of people to turn away from. We were never called to be doormats – there are many out there who cannot be won with love.
Many times in Christian circles, we get taught that we basically have to be a doormat to people to win them, to win their hearts, to win them for Christ – and this is false teaching. When they reject us, we are to walk away and thus leave it in God’s hands. If their hearts be changed, it is God that has to do that work – not us.
As Christians, we can so struggle with walking away from a relationship with a parent. But once we are adults, different rules apply. Its one thing when we were children when we rely on our parents for food and lodging, but in no way once we are adults do we have to put up with being abused by parents. When I finally decided to omit my mother from my life, it was because I knew that if I allowed her to stay in my life and keep abusing me (which she saw there was nothing wrong in doing by the way) I would keep diminishing. I would continue to keep dying inside. At that point in my life I was an empty shell, void of self esteem and void of any inkling of self worth. This kind of relationship where it leaves one person dying on the inside was not part of His plan. Jesus said that He came that we might have life and … have it abundantly. (John 10:10) A life of putting up with abuse (which is Satan coming to steal), being someone’s doormat, is not living an abundant life.
Walking away from an abusive parent is not sinful. It’s not wrong. We are commanded to turn away from people such as this. If the abuser doesn’t change, this is in no way our fault and it is something for which we cannot take blame for. It takes two people to make a relationship work. A one-sided relationship is no relationship at all.
Jesus came that we might have peace in our souls, which seems to me to be a strength we are given, more like a disposition … and living with and or putting up with an abuser, living in chaos and heartbreak is not a reflection of that peace He has given us. He said we’d have tribulation but with that He said to not let our hearts be troubled or afraid – this does not mean we have to or had to stay in an abusive relationship. (John 14:27)
So. No. It is not up to me to fix the relationship. I attempted to mend it the best I could, but when the other person refuses to do the same there is nothing you can do about that. It’s time to let them go … give them to God to deal with. He can do so much more with them than we can.
~ Saoirse Quill
Matthew 10:13-14 “And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you. And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake the dust of your feet.”
Mark 6:11 “And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear you, when ye depart thence, shake off the dust under your feet for a testimony against them.”
Luke 9:5 “And whosoever will not receive you, when ye go out of that city, shake off the very dust from your feet for a testimony against them.”
2 Timothy 3:1-5 “This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, truce breakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, high-minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.”
John 10:10 “The thief cometh not, but for to steal, to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” ~ Jesus
John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” ~ Jesus