You Cannot Make Someone Believe You

You cannot make someone believe you.

It will always be my word against hers – her word against mine.  What confuses me though is that I am not the one whose lying.  I’m not the one who is a habitual liar.  I’m not the one whose been caught in lies.  My abuser, who was my mother, has been, more than once.  She is an insidious deceiver who, to many, appears to be quite lovely.  Just not to me.

I recall one instance years ago when a sibling was talking to a friend of my mother’s on the street about something.  My sibling looked at this person and said, “That’s not true.”  From what I can recollect, not only was it a lie, but a complete fabrication of events.  This other person exclaimed, “Are you saying your mother is lying.”  To which my sibling said, “I guess I am.” … Fast forward a few days when my sibling sees my mother, and my mother asks about the conversation my sibling had with this friend of hers.  My sibling admitted that she told mother’s friend that she was lying.  My mother’s nonchalant reply was, “So what?!  So I lie.  So what?!” …. And yet they choose to not believe me.  wow.

gothel lie

There have been times where my mother even talked about being in places that she wasn’t.  She’d embellish truth with lies – which is all still a lie – extravagant ones.

Yes, I was even told verbatim by family members in regards to the abuse, “We don’t want to hear about it and we don’t want to talk about it.”  I confronted them saying, “If you think I’m lying I don’t want relationships with any of you.”  I haven’t heard from them now for about four years.  I mean, how can you have relationships with people who think you’re a liar?!  It’s impossible.  And I refuse to look like a fool by trying to have relationships with them when they think of me this way.  Why would I fellowship with people who assume I am lying and yet choose to not ever – ever – ask me anything about the ‘so-called’ abuse?!  Ever.  My siblings have never asked me my side of the story or what she’s done to me – nothing – likely because they got a skewed and fabricated story from my mother which would actually make me look like the abuser and she the victim – because that is what people who exhibit NPD do.

I did have an aunt on my mother’s side ask me, fourteen years ago, but she didn’t believe me and I didn’t expect her to.  I recall my father asking me, fourteen years ago, what the breaking ties was all about.  I thought he believed me – I guess he didn’t because he sided with them.  He was one of the ones who told me, “I don’t want to hear about it and I don’t want to talk about it.”

They will never know what she – my mother – did to me.  The worst of the abuse was when she and I were in private.  They don’t know how I cried all the way home every time – every time – I saw my mother.  They don’t know that the little digs they might have seen were actually big digs because of went on between she and I in private.  They didn’t see, and what they did see they still chose not to see.

There was one time she called me, crying (fake manipulating cry) wanting me to change my plans for the day to come see her for no reason at all.  I think she just didn’t want me to be with my boyfriend (whose been my husband now for 20+ years.)  Because I wouldn’t change plans for her, she said to me, “You don’t love me,” and then she proceeded to threaten to commit suicide.  I was so upset but still refused to give in – I ended up getting the silent treatment for weeks after that.  Things like this were always her attempt to gain control and, in this case, keep me from someone wonderful … which by the way, she told me once that no good man would want me – guess she couldn’t stand it when a good man actually did want me.  I think she knew that if I was married to him that she would have lost all control over me.  I don’t think she liked that at all.  Oh, the things they don’t know or choose to not believe, just leaves me shaking my head.

I don’t think they even know that the last thing my mother ever said to me was, “You were always so hard to love.”  (Which is amazing considering how compliant I was when I was young, living under her roof, being her Cinderella every Saturday – I shared about this in a previous post.)

One thing I know is that I know the truth and I’ve been telling it.  And God knows the truth.  It is He who brought me out of the abuse.  It was He who revealed to me that her ‘treatment’ of me was in fact abuse.  He is the one who gave me two visions to let me know it was okay to let her go, omit her from my life, and that He’d be all the Parent I would ever need – and He has been.  He said to me this verse, “When [your] father and mother forsake [you], then [I, the Lord] will take [you] up.”  Psalm 27:10

I always hope a day will come when the lies will be exposed – but until then, I will choose to live my life and live it to the full – in joy and peace with manipulations, mind games (gaslighting), abuse and lies.

~ Saoirse Quill

John 10:10  “The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy:  I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”  ~ Jesus

Psalm 27:10  “When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.”

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5 thoughts on “You Cannot Make Someone Believe You

  1. Hi, I could have written that myself! The very same thing just happened with my mother last Friday – she was annoyed because I had seen a friend and was going out with others and was trying to get me t go to her house. When I refused she told me I had never loved her, was difficult, and threatened to kill herself. My brother (a qualified psychiatrist of all things) denies my experiences. My father tells me to smooth it over. I won’t. I have an amazing husband and 3 amazing kids. I don’t need them or their approval anymore.

    1. Miers, I don’t know how I have missed it – but I did and am so sorry. That is how it got for me … I couldn’t live in denial anymore. I couldn’t live the lie anymore. Like you, I have an amazing husband and I too have three kids. And we really don’t need their approval. {hugs}

      1. Thank you, I find your postings help. I found mother’s day really hard this year (finding a card that didn’t lie and just said have a nice day eyc!) as it was the first one since I realised what was going on. But I am sure now each one will be better. Hugs back!

      2. {hugs} Thank you. It’s why I write. I omitted my abusive mother from my life TEN YEARS before I learned about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder.) It was hell, I beat myself up for a decade wondering what I had done – was it her or was it me?? It was like my mind was trapped on a merry-go-round and there was no way to get off … until the day I learned about NPD, that is when I knew it was her and when I knew that I did nothing the warrant or justify the abuse she dished out.

  2. Miers … Yes, it is hard – I remember that for me too – Mother’s Days were always hard – I could not in good conscience buy her a heartfelt card exemplifying a wonderful mother when she wasn’t one. I always bought her a ‘simply put’ card. Of course, now I have been strict no contact for a good five years now so don’t send anything. Those days can still be hard – only in that you are reminded of the mother you didn’t have and wishing you had a loving mother. {hugs}

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