They Dismantle Relationships

It’s what they do … those exhibiting Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  They love to not only destroy you, but also destroy your relationships with others.

Very recently, I was thinking back to the first serious relationship I was ever in that lasted three and a half years.  I recall a time when the brother of the fella I was dating approached me privately telling me that if I was looking for riches to move on from his brother.  I can’t remember his words verbatim, but that was the gist of what he was communicating.  At the time I thought this to be an odd conversation – so out-of-the-blue.  I told him that it wasn’t the case, besides while dating his brother, his brother still lived at home! How can a person be a gold-digger when there was no gold to be dug??  I was confused.  When I asked him who told him I was a ‘gold-digger’ … its like his face went white and he wouldn’t say and he tried to change the subject.  I reassured this man that I loved his brother (my idea of love being warped then) and that I’d be happy with him living in a wee shack with a whole lot of nothing much.  He looked at me with confusion on his face.  I thought nothing of it at the time … but now I cannot help but wonder if he didn’t get this false information from my NPD mother.

I will never know if she had anything to do with that or not, but if she did, it would not surprise me at all with all the other shenanigans she’s pulled concerning me.  When he and I finally broke up, my heart was crushed.  I was so heart-broken.  I was lying on my bed sobbing and my mother sat beside me with this devious grin on her face as though she’d won something on the sly.  I didn’t understand her behaviour.  I never understood any of her behaviour concerning me actually.

Is it coincidence that these events could be related??  Who can know?!  What I do know is that she made it so that I wasn’t close to my siblings at all – she was great at being able to estrange me with people.  I know she bad-mouthed me behind my back not only to siblings but to her friends as well – smearing me in such a way as to not say anything even directly bad.  She could do it by making me look pathetic and stupid.

Looking back, the relationship with that boyfriend would have never have worked out anyway … I didn’t know what love really was then and the way he treated me was not respectful.  With that said, it still doesn’t give someone the right to sabotage one’s relationships.

Even with my husband, my family of origin tried to sever my relationship with him while we were dating – more than once.  My one sister – out of the blue I might add – went on to inform me how my boyfriend was basically someone with a past and it was insinuated that I shouldn’t see him or pursue a relationship with him.  I looked at her and said, “Who doesn’t have a past??  I have a past!  I know about his and he knows about mine anyway.”  She looked shocked.

Again, looking back … I wonder where that came from?!  I know my NPD mother did not like me being with him – I think because she knew in her gut he wouldn’t put up with her shenanigans and manipulations.  Maybe she saw what a catch he was and she didn’t like her words to me backfiring, ‘No good man will ever want YOU!’  Marrying him made her eat those words because I ended up with the ‘best’ man ever!  I have come to know how much the Lord really loves me by His uniting me with this man whose been my husband now for over 20 years.  I don’t deserve this man, but God sure thought otherwise!

I often wonder if my mother hoped I’d remain a spinster to be at her beck and call.  I will never know.  It doesn’t matter anymore.  But I am writing this in hopes that it can help people see how devious and deceptive, manipulative and insidious these abusers can be.  They do things ‘behind the scenes’ to ruin you and smear you, to make you appear worthless and pathetic, weak and unintelligent.  And this is just one aspect of the abuse.

Freedom from her abuse, being no contact, has been the greatest blessing of my life.  I cannot tell you how many times she’d try to interfere and manipulate me and things in my life to try to make my life uncomfortable.  If I didn’t know better, I’d swear it was her goal in life to rob me of all joy.  It didn’t work.  And I have God to thank!!


~ Saoirse Quill


2 thoughts on “They Dismantle Relationships

  1. My mom died the end of March 2014. I am so grateful you are sharing your story. As a Christian & someone who is working to recover from mental illness, I struggle not to feel guilty for detaching from my mom, who suffered from undiagnosed/untreated mental illness with NPD-like symptoms. I have a friend in group DBT therapy who I am sure will be grateful to read your blog.

    1. I have missed so many comments – my apologies! It’s so hard to not feel guilty when we have had mothers who made us feel guilty over things we shouldn’t have. I see its now a year since your mother’s death Kathy – I am so sorry – such loss. Its not just the loss of a mother, but a mother we never could have a healthy relationship with. Thinking of you.

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