Abuse. It affects who we are, who we might have been. It affects our health in many ways – our mental health and physical health – even spiritual health. Abuse affects our health – all the hate and anger and sadness – that we (those abused by someone exhibiting NPD) were never allowed to express when in our abusive relationships.
I’m a firm believer that these things can really take a toll on our health in a variety of ways.
Shortly after breaking ties with my NPD mother about 14 years ago – my health went downhill. Even though I broke ties, I was still shuffling everything ‘under the carpet.’ Two years after breaking that tie, my first MS relapse hit. Another two years after that, the second one hit and that one was a doozer!
The thing is, I knew for a long, long time that something was wrong with my body. Ever since I was a teen. That is when it started, but medical exams and blood work revealed nothing. I started to experience migraines. Finally, when I was turning 37, the first relapse hit. It was the fall of 2002. It came on strong and fast – Optic Neuritis in my right eye. So painful. Colour blind. No peripheral vision. No depth perception. When the exacerbation ended, it took two months to get most of those things back. My peripheral vision and depth perception were mildly compromised – it never healed one hundred percent. Second relapse came at the beginning of December of 2004 – I went to bed one night and I woke up with numb patches up and down both legs, buttocks and abdomen. My right leg felt like a 10 pound weight was thrown on it – it felt so weak and I could not flex my right foot upward – it came to be affectionately called, ‘my gimpy leg.’ It took a good two years before that leg started to feel normal. I am almost certain that these relapses were a result of stuffing down all the hurt and pain resulting from my mother’s abuse. The human body can only go through so much before it turns on itself.
An MRI was done in 2005 which still showed a lot of brain lesions. A year and a half ago (January 2013), my neurologist gave me a requisition for another MRI just to see what it showed and where I was sitting. It came back with far less lesions showing – my neurologist was amazed. I have not relapsed since 2004, so I’ve been doing pretty good.
Even though I have made different lifestyle choices, I still firmly believe that the apparent healing of lesions is from omitting the toxicity of an abusive mother and her enablers from my life. I have started to notice my body being healthier in other ways as well and it feels good.
I am so thankful to the Lord my God for revealing to me that my mother’s ‘treatment’ of me was actually abuse. He showed me how she does not love me, and never did, and was incapable of loving me. When I was led to ‘Traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Mothers’ – it’s like my soul jumped in disbelief, but yet also leapt with new revelation. I couldn’t believe it – I finally realized that her abuse of me was not my fault like she had conditioned me to believe it was.
I know my healing really took off when I broke all ties – from abusive mother and enabling family (and even enabling friends) which happened four years ago (2010). I was with my husband when I started venting all the hurt, pain, lies and deception … I didn’t just vent, I BLEW UP! When I let it all out, he looked at me, with loving concern, “Well its about frickin’ time!!” I think he was just waiting for me to finally just release it all. And it felt good. I was no longer afraid to ‘let it out.’ (Children of narcissistic parents are conditioned to not be angry, to not ‘let it out’, to not tell ‘family secrets’ – which referred to ‘what happens in our house stayed in our house’.) It hit me, ‘Why am I the one staying silent when I did nothing wrong? After all, the abuse was not and is not my fault.’ (It took me a long time to realize that.)
It is hard for me to accept that my fewer brain lesions and breaking ties and thus healing from this insanely insidious and diabolical abuse is simply a freak thing, a coincidence.
If I have learned anything in my Christian walk, its that there is no such thing as coincidence, but ‘God-incidence’!!
The Lord truly is the healer of souls. He does heal the broken and broken-hearted. They say our life purpose/passion can come out of our deepest pain. It’s why I write about it. It’s why I blog about my journey with this kind of abuse.
~ Saoirse Quill