I still remember when confronting family about my mother’s abuse. I could not believe that I got told, “We don’t want to hear about it and we don’t want to talk about it.” It was also communicated to me, “What do you expect us to do, choose sides?”
I didn’t know how to answer that at the time. I was so upset and so bewildered by their reactions that I had no words. I was dumbfounded. Shocked even – that they were believing whatever lies the liar told.
After some thought I realized that I didn’t want them to choose sides – although that would have said something. No. What I really wanted was for them to stick up for me which is something they have never done. In fact, sticking up for each other was just never done in our family. They talked about each other behind their backs in a negative way – never to their face. It was all part of my mother’s triangulation techniques to keep each of us kids at arm’s length of each other.
I wondered what their response would have been had I said to them, “I just want you to stick up for me.” … I have pondered this many a time over the past four years and I have to say that I think I would have just got a blank look and no response.
Coming from a narcissistic family where you have at least one parent who is the narcissist and the rest of the family who are her enablers, make relationships impossible for the victim once the victim’s eyes are opened to how abusive and toxic their family of origin is.
If you expect anyone whose been deceived by the narcissist (the one exhibiting NPD) to take sides or at least stick up for you, your expectations are unrealistic. Any case I have ever known – mine included – the family has never stuck up for the ‘victim’. Ever. Those insidiously deceived by the narcissist unknowingly enable the narcissist with their smears, and lies about the victim. They are so convincing that the family of enablers actually believe the narcissist who goes to great lengths to play the victim – actually telling her enablers that what has been done to her is actually what she’s done to her victim. And they believe her – the one whose known to lie and has been caught telling lies. Oh, the dysfunction.
I do hope one day the enablers’ eyes will be opened – at least a few of them – and they will see the narcissist mother (with NPD) for who she really is – an insidious and diabolical abuser who is genius at masquerading as the ‘poor victim.’ I hope they catch a glimpse of her without her mask on, but I know it will only be God’s doing if it happens. Only He can remove the blinders.
The realization that they will likely never see the truth or acknowledge the elephant in the room has helped me to move on in my life, to focus on my husband and my children and enjoy my life without dysfunction, lies, smears, degradation and debasing.
I never thought I’d get past the excruciating pain and enjoy life again … but I did … and I do.
~ Saoirse Quill