No Regrets

So very often, victims are looked at as the ones who are evil when we choose to go ‘no contact.’  So many on the outside looking in have no idea what we’ve been through with our abusive narcissist (one exhibiting NPD – Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)  In my case, my own mother.

People have often seen my mother as caring, even loving, concerned and even kind.  But that is the facade.  She was someone ‘wonderful’ around everyone else except me.  In private with me – she was cruel, unloving, demeaning, cold – the list goes on, you get the gist. Of course no one believes me except for the very few relatives who have actually seen her dark side.  And those who did see her dark side never confronted her or stood up for me – as far as I know.

She never loved me even though she’d say to people that she did.  One thing I have learned in this journey is that saying you love someone and actually loving them in action are two totally different things.  This is the thing with narcissists – they lie, they manipulate, demean and gaslight, among other things.  Their abuse is done in such an insidiously wicked way.  She would degrade and demean me in such a slick way that when I would finally express the truth about her abuse of me, no one would believe me.  She already had a smear on the go and in the works far before I knew I was even being ‘played.’  And this is why I have been strict no contact now for four years.

When a narcissist smears their victim, it is not just to immediate family – no.  The smearing seeps down into extended family and family friends.  I am ‘no contact’ with these groups of people and have no desire at all to ever include them back into my life as long as they see her as the victim she portrays herself to be in all this.  I have no desire to experience any more drama or mind games of any kind.  I’ve been so done.  I am so tired of being labeled – being made out to be someone I am not!  It’s an awful thing when people who should know you just don’t, and they even proceed to tell you who you are, which you clearly aren’t.  The things that would get made up and embellished about me is even beyond my own belief.  All it takes is my NPD mother to say something that appears to be concern but is actually an insidious smear … and then there it goes – the smear travels.  The smear is intended to make me look like the bad guy and my abuser the victim.  Yes.  It’s that sick.  And its very real.  The smear becomes gossip and suddenly extended family and family friends get this picture of me being a cold, callous and heartless human being – and I am anything but cold and heartless.  What they don’t know is how cold, callous and heartless my mother was towards me.

Cold and heartless is being told by family members, once you made the abuse known, that, “We don’t want to hear about it and we don’t want to talk about it.”  I had never in my life felt so utterly rejected.

I have no guilt at all about going no contact.  None whatsoever.  In fact, going no contact was essential to my mental health and healing from my mother’s insidious and diabolical abuse.  The pain she inflicted I know I will truly never be over – it is a part of me and there will always be a certain amount of pain and hurt that will be with me always. Looking back I can see why I always felt like the black sheep of the family.  I can see why I always felt like I was on the outside looking in even as a small child.  They were never there for me – its like I was merely put up with.  Oh, they’d tried to treat me like my younger siblings in effort to make things look normal and balanced, but it sure wasn’t done out of love.  It was for how it all appeared to those on the outside looking in – everything had to make mother look like the perfect all caring mother which she was not.  With narcissistic parents – everything is a ‘play’ to get what they want – admiration and worship and accolades … and let’s not air our ‘dirty laundry.’

I don’t regret getting rid of the toxicity in my life.  I don’t regret breaking ties, burning bridges – whatever you want to call it, in order for me to keep what was left of my sanity.  I don’t regret not being with people who had no great love for me.  Yes, it hurt.  It was insanely painful … but the Lord got me through it with an amazing therapist who revealed to me my tenacity to overcome.  And for the most part I have.  She showed me how my mother’s abuse of me was in no way my fault.  With that said, I did own up to my wrongs to my mother many years ago, asking her forgiveness, for which I do not recall ever getting, which is no surprise – any ‘wrong’ real or implied or invented was always used against me to embarrass or demean.  She loved to remember and use against me anything that I did that was construed ‘wrong’ or ‘awful’ in her mind.

It’s been four years and never in my life did I ever think that I would have ended up this happy and blessed without blood family.  My life is actually so much better without them and their toxicity in my life.  I finally had the chance to really figure out who I am – which is nothing like my family said I was or portrayed me to be.  The Lord rescued me … “He pulled me out of the muck and mire and set my feet upon a rock.”

I changed my first and middle names to help not hear her accusatory and demeaning stabs in my head anymore.  After 14 years of trying to get rid of it – changing my name finally did it.  My husband and I even moved, and to my knowledge, they have no idea where we live now and, I have to say, I quite like it that way.  All trust had been broken when I realized that they would never be there for me, when it was implied to me that I was lying about the abuse, I know now that the idea of trusting any of them again would be impossible.

I am happier now than I ever thought I would be and I feel infinitely more blessed.  God never intended for any of us to put up with abuse … even if by a family member.  Abuse should never be tolerated.

scary regrets

Choose a life that you can look back on with … no regrets.

~ Saoirse Quill

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