Did You Know You’re Being Played??

Something happened to me this week – something I didn’t expect and instead of reacting calmly, I panicked.  Panicked!  Anxiety went through the roof and it took me until the next day to get my heart palpitations under control.  I was so upset that I couldn’t even eat and my blood sugar dropped. Twice.  I couldn’t wait to talk to my husband … he’s always so good at helping me handle these things that still trigger me.  Thank God I am not triggered as much as I ever used to be!

Anxiety is what happens when you see relatives from one side of your family being facebook friends with a specific relative from my side of the family.  That specific relative is, as you can guess, my evil, toxic, NPD mother.

And … it made me wonder.  I started putting the pieces together – the happenings over the last two years.  These relatives at times during the past couple years have exhibited what I call abusive behaviour towards me, while loving my kids up – out of character I might add.  It really was over the top – to the point that after they left, my oldest son said to me, “What was that?!”  It was weird and it immediately raised huge red flags with me that something was extremely askew!  Something was not right!  This is one of those times where you never ever ever ignore what your gut is telling you.  I was extremely suspicious of them.  Still am.  I was treated with utter disdain that felt like the hate came directly from my own mother, with their eyes shooting daggers at me.  It was like being abused by my mother all over again – but this time from people she’s recruited to do her evil bidding.  My heart was crushed – and it was also overflowing with extreme rage!  They did this to me in my own home – who does this to someone in their own home without seeming cause??  I spent a lot of time racking my brain and I could find no reason for them to treat me like that – even talked to my husband about it.  I had no idea what on earth I had done!  A few months later, another incident happened and it was apparent that I did something to totally piss one of them off and when I confronted this person, asking what I had done to offend them, I got no response.  No response!  I felt like I was dealing with a little kid!  I was so frustrated.  It is amazing to me how people will believe a liar, whose known to be a notorious liar and yet they will choose to not believe the one who has no record of being a liar.  This is what happens when outsiders are ‘recruited’ – pulled into the world of someone with NPD – ‘narcissist’ for short – without even realizing it.

Because I know my toxic family all too well, my gut was telling me that it was highly likely that my family fed some lies to these other relatives and instead of them asking me if it were true – they took it as gospel and treated me accordingly.  ‘Mother wins! … Again.’  It looks to me like they did my mother’s bidding without even realizing that she played them into doing it – she played them into abusing me the way she always, always did by using my siblings and other family members.  This is not new to me.   I grew up with it – I know how it works.  This is classic narcissistic smearing and I am pretty sure that this is exactly what is going on.  I’ll be intensely shocked if it isn’t.  Narcissists just don’t operate as a sinful person, but as evil itself.  The more I learn about this disorder, the more I am convinced its demonic in nature.  After all, many of us know that even Satan himself disguises himself as an angel of light – and so do NPD mothers.

What gets me, is that had I treated these particular relatives this way in their own homes – oh. my. personal. hell!!  Feces would have hit the fan!  I know this all too!!  I don’t understand this behaviour.  It hurt.  Still does.

On another note, its one thing if they don’t believe me about my mother’s abuse – if they want to believe a liar – go nuts.  Have fun with that.  Believe what you want – just don’t take it out on me without hearing my side of the story!!  If they believe I made wrong choices concerning my family of origin – guess what?!  It’s none of their damn business!!  But for me to be treated with such disdain in my own home is inexcusable – but that is the narcissist’s goal – to destroy me by using other people that I care about to carry it out.  Narcissists have no conscience!  They are evil to the core of their being.

What so many people (on the outside looking in) fail to realize is that a narcissist rarely tells the truth – if they do – truths are used to humiliate and shame and degrade their victim.  Besides that, anything that comes out of my mother’s mouth is a lie, sometimes it can have 2% truth but then its embellished with 98% lie.  This is what most people on the ‘outside’ don’t get – they do not know the person I know – my husband and I are the only ones who are familiar with her ‘Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde’ facade.  They have no idea that they are being insidiously played!  They have no idea at all!!  And I feel sorry for them.  And I hate what my mother is doing to pull ‘this’ side of the family apart now.   Is there no end to her tyranny?!

It was one thing when my mother used and conditioned my father and siblings to join in her smearing campaigns – telling lies about me – using me as her own personal sin rag so that she could look good and saintly, worthy of worship and admiration with them.  It’s quite another thing when she starts ‘recruiting’ other family that are outside our family of origin!  There are no boundaries with narcissists.  NONE!  She’s even tried to facebook-friend my children behind my back after I made it perfectly clear that she could have no contact with them because of her abuse of me.  No way was I putting my kids at risk with a raging sociopath/psychopath!  Again – classic narcissist behaviour – a total disregard of boundaries – and this is why, especially with my youngest two kids that my family of origin is blocked from finding them.  I have encouraged my oldest son to do the same because there is no way he’s gonna want that kind of crazy in his life! Because of her abusive nature – she lost all rights to being my children’s grandmother!!

So even without these relatives realizing it – it seems to be the case that they became her enablers, making the pain of her abuse even worse for me.  I thought it was bad enough when she infected our own family of origin and extended family, using them to further enable her abuse of me by making me look like the horrible human being she actually is (this is called ‘projection.’)  But when she starts recruiting outside the family of origin, with people who are close to us that we care about – THIS is not okay!!!  NOT OKAY!!!  This is why this blog exists – to expose Narcissistic Personality Disorder!  Narcissistic abuse is INSIDIOUSLY EVIL!!

It’s no wonder they believed her though because when she lies she is incredibly believable and she knows how to play the victim very well – right down to the crocodile tears.  For those who fall for the lie and the facade and how fake-broken her heart is, the things she spews gets used to do her bidding – those that listen to her, believe her, and feel sorry for her, become recruited enablers (aka flying monkeys like from the Wizard of Oz) … and here’s the thing, they don’t even know they’ve been recruited!!  They have no idea they are being played. They carry out the disdain and eye daggers just as my NPD mother intended by painting me as the most horrible human being ever and she does this by using me as her sin rag – meaning she takes all her sins and projects them onto me by saying I did them/do them.  Huge lies!  My mother, father and siblings haven’t the faintest idea who I am!!  She has lied to everyone about who I really am.   They only know the version of me that my mother invented in her own head! I know this because of the things that would come out of my sibling’s mouths at times about how I was like this or that and I’d be thinking, ‘Who the hell are you talking about?!  It’s not ME!!’

It was bad enough she used our own family and extended family of origin to destroy me – but it wasn’t enough.  No.  Now she has to attempt to destroy me via other relatives/friends … who don’t even know that they have been diabolically played.  She cannot let go of her narcissistic supply I guess.  Kind of hard to have a sin rag when the sin rag won’t even let her into her life!

By going strict no contact with my family of origin (including extended family) four years ago, I thought I was safe.  I thought my husband and I and our kids would be safe and free from their toxicity.  I dared to hope too much I guess.  Hubby and I even moved (not because of this, but for other reasons) and I love the idea of none of them having any idea where we live now (as far as I know.)  I guess the truth is is that while my narcissist mother is still living – I will always be at risk for attack – against me, my husband and even my children.  Attacking me – attacks them – they feel it too!  She has always been out to destroy me, even my marriage.  She has always turned the hearts of people I love against me – or at least tried.  The only time she has been happy for me is when I was in any kind of pain or misfortune – she loved to take joy in my pain!  I remember being brokenhearted after the first boyfriend breakup I ever had – she sat on the end of my bed.  No consolation – just an evil smirk as though she’d won something.  It was freakishly disturbing and I’ve experienced that evil smirk of hers more than once in my life.  Fortunately, for the man who is my husband – he saw her craziness and he could not be manipulated or swayed of his opinion of me.  And I know this bugged her because she tried to break us up while dating – she even recruited one of my sisters to take part and it didn’t work.  I shut her down quite quickly because I knew where ‘it’ was coming from.  In my early twenties, with hate in her eyes and on her tongue, my mother said to me, “No good man is ever gonna want YOU!!” … It broke my heart and the sad thing is, I believed her (as I was so conditioned to do since childhood.)  So when my husband pursued me – I had a hard time with it because my mother did say that no good man would ever want me and I wondered what on earth this man would want with me?  He was too good for me – but he saw something in me I never did.  (Man, God is good – He knew I needed this good man!  And I love him more now than ever!)  I truly thought I had zero worth back then.  And when this good man took interest – she tried like crazy to destroy it to fulfill her own false prophecy.  And getting married – she was weird about that too – maybe because she was/is convinced that we’re in a cult!  {shaking my head.}  Maybe it was because she would have less power over me having this man who didn’t put up with manipulative crap!  The Lord blessed me with one amazing man!

My mother is also convincing when she tells people she loves me and is concerned for me – which of course makes me look like the most callous and cold human being because I ‘cut her out of my life’ – but they have no idea the depths of pain and anguish she caused me!!!  No idea at all!!!  What those on the outside looking in don’t know is that its all for show, everything my mother does is for show and pity and or admiration and worship – she lives for accolades no matter if they are won by lies or not.  Its all a big fat lie and people believe I broke her heart and that I omitted her from my life because I’m in a cult.  This is what she actually tells people if you can believe it?!  I am a Christian – I know what the Bible says, my mother does not.  What people also don’t know is that I told my mother IN WRITING, several times that I omitted her from my life because of her abuse and because of what her abuse did to me – NOT because I’m a Christian.  She has shrugged off and denied this truth because she cannot accept that she does anything wrong – everything wrong in her life was always someone else’s fault – and being I was the sin rag, I was that person whose faults it was.  Always.  She has never accepted responsibility for anything!  No one knows the depth of the pain I have endured recovering from my mother’s evil except my husband and God Himself and a very few close friends – but even those close friends still never saw what my husband has.  My husband is the only human being who saw my pain and anguish in great degrees.  He saw the complete and utter mess I was four years ago when I went strict no contact with my whole family.  I could not stop the ugly cry for days – it just didn’t stop.  I felt like I was drowning.  I was in a perpetual state of anxiety as well.  It was AWFUL!!  And that is when I got myself into therapy – and my therapist (a Christian and previously a neuro nurse in a hospital) reassured me after many therapy sessions that it was not me, BUT HER!  I spent almost a year trying to sort out lies from truth – but I finally got there.  She also helped me differentiate between what was healthy and what was not.  I was really mixed up.

People don’t know – or have any freaking idea who my mother truly is.  She hides it so well.  Even on facebook – she doesn’t reveal much about herself on there (I was facebook friends with her many years ago and I doubt her habits have changed) – she can’t or her facade will be shattered!  No way is she going to risk being found out!  As I said to my sister well over a decade and a half ago, “The mother you know and the mother I know are two totally and completely different people!”  And its true to this day.

People’s actions always speak louder than words – if people could ever peek into all those times when my mother and I were alone – they would have seen her horrendous abuse of me.  She always made sure there were no witnesses.  It would always be her word against mine.  And no one knows, that when she was in my life (over 14 years ago) that every time I left her house which was in another community, I cried all the way home.  No exaggeration – EVERY TIME!  Because every time I was at her house – in front of guests/family – she would find a way to embarrass, shame, and humiliate me.  EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  I just never knew what was going to get thrown at me – but it always happened!  No one saw the worst of her hate of me, as that always happened when she and I were alone.

She does not know love and I think she is completely incapable of it.  Her idea of love is conditional, something that is weighed and measured on a scale – but even with this warped idea of love, she uses false weights that got her more servitude while giving nothing back.  I tried for years.  For years, I tried to earn her love and affection and never got it – nothing I did was ever good enough.  Ever.  I even tried to love her into loving me – she abused me even more.

She never knew what real love is … she certainly never loved me:  ‘because you don’t destroy people you love.’

you didn't love her 2

When someone abuses you in this manner, its never love – it’s HATE.  I recall someone that my family has known our whole lives who emailed me four years ago when I had the great fallout with my family of origin.  She wrote, “You know, your mother never loved you.”

To which I replied, “Please tell me something I don’t already know.  A child knows when they aren’t loved.”

My evil mother’s last words to me were, “You were always so hard to love.” … Excuses, excuses … this is what blame-shifting looks like – this was in reference to it being my fault for her not being able to love me.  Does that sound healthy to you?  And what kind of mother says that to their daughter?!

Narcissistic mothers are so, so toxic!  The only way to deal with them is to go strict no contact – less risk of being played or being abused by proxy.

Always watch – always measure a person’s character and history before believing them – and if that doesn’t work – you better hear both sides before making any judgments!!  Don’t let someone exhibiting NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) play you – don’t let them pull you into their chaos of toxicity.  It breaks hearts.

Don’t get pulled into the narcissist’s web of destructive lies!

~ Saoirse Quill


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s