Core lies. When abused by a narcissistic (NPD) mother we develop them. I remember always believing that I was unwanted and so always felt like I had to earn love – to prove that I was loving and loveable. Believing I was unwantable was my core lie. I worked hard at trying to earn her love because she conditioned me to believe that I was not worthy of it. And I wanted to prove her wrong (but it didn’t work – her love was unattainable.) My core lie was that I was ‘unwanted,’ ‘unloved’ – even ‘unloveable.’ And my mother perpetuated that lie my whole life.
I remember when she told me about my birth. I know she was only 19. She had only been married to my father for 5 months when I was born. I was the reason she had to get married – and to someone she did not know very well (from what I could gather.) She told me I came a month early. She was already in hospital – I can’t recall why. I was birthed in a toilet – which she ridiculed me with, which literally made me feel like I was shite. She told me I had a blood transfusion at birth – I don’t recall why and wonder now if that was even true. I often wondered if she didn’t try to get rid of me somehow, someway, while she was pregnant with me – only because she never had any great love or affection for me. I always felt like I ‘ruined’ her life – she sure made me feel as though I did.
My mother would ridicule, shame and humiliate me with anything and everything she could. She made me feel like a horrid human being unworthy of love and affection. She was controlling – to the point where she dictated what I wore and how I wore my hair even – I did not have freedom of expression like my younger sisters did. She’d belittle me and insult me. She’d triangulate which made close relationships with siblings impossible. She’d use the silent treatment to ‘put me in my place’ and these silent treatments could last for months. Then there were the looks of utter disdain! She’d say cruel things with hate in her eyes, like, “No good man will ever want you!” I was her scapegoat and sin rag. The lies she ‘put on me’ happened so often from such a young age, that I came to believe those core beliefs wholeheartedly. It wouldn’t be until I was 35 years old that I realized that these were actually core lies.
Core lies are awful in that they start as core beliefs about ourselves. My core belief was being unwanted – not being loveable. For years, I did not want to challenge that belief because, what if? – what if that belief was true?! Not wanting to deal with it is a flight mechanism – after all, who wants to face the ugly truth?? I sure didn’t. I did not want to face it or deal with the idea that I really was a mistake after all, that I really was unwanted and unloveable. But the thing is – if we don’t face it – it owns us. It can affect how we see ourselves and it affects our relationships with others. There comes a point when we have to be brave enough to face the truth of it – no matter how ugly it seems to us.
My bravery didn’t kick in until I’d finally had enough of her abuse. I was finally DONE the day she humiliated me in my home yet again! That is when I heard God say to me, “There is nothing you could ever do or say that will ever make her love you.” Hearing that killed the heart of me. It cut into my very soul – dissecting that core belief and exposing it for what it was. That core belief was part lie … and part truth! For the first time, I realized that the truth was that she didn’t want me – she never did and that being unloveable was the LIE! God revealed to me that her not wanting me was not the same as being unloveable. He showed me I was not unloved (even though I was unloved by her), but deeply loved by Him! He showed me I was loveable. And I was born because He willed it – He wanted me even though she did not.
Truth exposed is just the beginning of healing … the next step was undoing the core lie and any other core lie associated with it. It meant having to be deliberate about my thought life – it was about taking control of my thought life.
For me, when I’d hear her voice in my head, her accusatory and condemning voice, I would catch myself and say to myself, “No. I am not who she said I was – I am (insert something positive here that’s true).” In the beginning, I had to be consistent and deliberate multiple times a day every day with every thought – taking every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) – it required obedience and being very aware of my thought life. In the beginning it was hard as I was bombarded with thoughts that I had to dissect – were they true? Were they false? Then I’d hold to truth and toss the lies.
It’s difficult at first, but if you’re consistent every moment of every day – those lies become less and less prevalent over time – they come to have less and less power. Every single time a lie popped up it was dealt with right away. Each day was a challenge. Sometimes it felt like a dance – ‘one step forward, two steps back.’ But over time, I could see progress. I remained diligent every single day … and after about a month, I noticed a huge difference! HUGE! … I started doing this about three years ago and now I very rarely have to take those old thoughts and lies captive because they rarely rear their ugly head now. I had to keep remembering that my mother used me as her own personal sin rag which meant that she used me to wipe her sins on – she put them on me to wear until I realized that they were not mine to wear or bear. I am NOT who she claimed me to be – not even close! She projected her sins, shortcomings and negativity onto me so she wouldn’t have to examine and face her own sins and core lies. In a way, she expected me to be a ‘saviour’ of sorts – bearing (wearing) her sins for her – but no human being can take on another’s sins and survive/thrive. Yeshua is the only One who can do that – who did that.
When we realize that we are not sin rags – we can obliterate those core lies and adopt core truths to the point where those core lies have no place to thrive and they can no longer define us.
It takes a lot of time and it takes perseverance. It takes being deliberate and conscientious in changing that inner voice – that inner thinking. I legally changed my name about three years ago too which helped a lot; however, I still had to do the painstaking work at not bullying myself with my mother’s voice in my head! I know that if I had not changed my name (in my case anyway) the process would have been longer. I am convinced of it.
No one ever wants to face the ugly truth – or possible ugly truth. But the thing is, if we don’t face the ugly truth and what is false, it will own us – it will enslave us. We have to be brave enough to face it head on – facing it is the only way to healing. It is about having courage to be who God created us to be and not who our NPD parent conditioned us to believe we were. If we don’t face it and deal with it – we will shrivel up and die inside.
How tragic it would be to come to the end of our lives and discover that we never really lived because we weren’t brave enough to face the ugly. Only God can change ugly into beautiful … from ashes to beauty (Isaiah 61:1-3).
I am living proof that God can take ugly and give you beauty! The Lord is in the business of healing the brokenhearted and breaking the chains that bind us.
~ Saoirse Quill
Isaiah 61:1-3… “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me (Yeshua); because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; they they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.”
2 Corinthians 10:3-5 “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: for the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds; casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ“