When my mother was in my life, I recall how much I prayed that the Lord would change her heart, I prayed that He would soften her heart that she might cry out to Him and recognize all the evil she had done, namely to me. I did that for years. I even tried loving her into loving me – which, in hindsight, may not have been very effective because I grew up with such a warped definition of love. Loving others has never been my strong suit, the fear of being rejected is still present in my life. When rejected by a mother and then a decade later by your father and siblings, its a wound that remains really raw for a really long time.
I prayed everyday for her when she was in my life and my whole family. I wanted them to know this indescribable joy and peace beyond understanding in Yeshua for themselves. They didn’t want it – especially my mother who loves the occult (palm readings, tarot card readings, tea leaf readings – you get the gist). The more I prayed for her and the more I tried to love her into loving me with God’s love, the more she rejected and abused me. Every single visit was extremely painful because she debased me and humiliated me every chance she got, which was every time I saw her. Every time. After every visit, I would drive the 40-minute drive home bawling my eyes out while trying to see the road in front of me. It was awful and I’d ask myself why she couldn’t love me – I never once asked myself back then why I put myself through that. The answer is, I believe, is the mother-daughter bond. Just like the marriage bond, it wasn’t meant to be broken until death and I believe it to also be true of the parent-child bond. It felt unnatural and wrong to want to omit this person from my life, my mother, even though she was insanely toxic and verbally and emotionally abusive. This thinking eventually led me to omit my mother from my life, which was 16 years ago now. It was about six years ago that ties were broken with my father and my siblings and their families after they basically accused me of lying about my mother’s abuse. I confronted them on the insinuation via email (because I write better than I speak and getting everyone in one room was impossible), “IF you think I’m lying, I don’t want relationships with any of you – how can anyone have healthy relationships with anyone who thinks you’re a liar?!” … And wouldn’t you know, that was the last time I ever heard from any of them, except a note that came a week or two after that from one of my younger sisters that came across as insultingly condescending. I sent it back with a note saying again, “IF you think I’m lying I don’t want a relationship with you.” I never heard from her again. I was tired of being treated like an ingrate, like someone mentally challenged, naive and weak. I was so done.
So, back to prayer. So often in Christian circles we are encouraged to pray for our enemies, as we should be as God’s Word commands it. But man, is it ever hard to pray for those who have hurt you the most, who have broken your heart beyond repair. My heart and my soul will never be completely healed, but the Lord has healed it enough to where the pain no longer consumes me every minute of every day. I couldn’t find it in my heart to pray for them like I used to, and even after all these years, it’s still hard for me and I am very rarely prompted to pray for them, but when I am, my prayer for them is simple, “Lord, may Your will be done concerning them.” Maybe over time, that prayer may change, but for now, this is all I can muster because no other words come to pray for them. I don’t wish them disaster or illness. I can honestly say I don’t hate them, but there is no affectionate feeling for them either. It is purely out of God’s love that I pray for them what I do, as it is, as God’s love is not based on fleeting feelings. God’s love is kindness in action. My hope is that by praying this prayer that the Lord will bring them into the knowledge of His truth and will reveal the truth about my mother being an evil abuser. I call her evil because that is how God’s Word describes someone like her who does the terrible things she does – the deceptive, insidious, and manipulative things she does – who did everything she could to thwart any happiness in my life.
My mother, even though I confronted her on her behaviour toward me, her abuse of me, she indignantly denounced any such thing. She’d tell me it was all in my head – which I know it wasn’t when it would reoccur over and over and over again. It didn’t bother her at all how much she shredded me – in her mind, which she actually confessed to me once or twice, she didn’t do anything wrong and that as a mother it was her right to treat me however she wanted. This was her ‘Get out of jail free‘ card! Like I said, “Evil.”
What do you do with people who refuse to see truth, who will side with an abuser by choosing to be neutral, to ignore the evil that rips a family apart? What do you do when souls are unrepentant? You walk. It’s the only thing left to do especially when my mother’s abuse would not stop, and in fact got increasingly worse over the years. Then to make it worse, my father, siblings, and even extended family believe the lies they spew – you can’t have healthy relationships with people who choose to remain neutral – choosing to be neutral means they have sided with the oppressor, with the abuser.
“If you are in neutral situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” ~ Desmond Tutu
So, I chose to walk …
“And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear you, when ye depart thence, shake off the dust under your feet for a testimony against them. Verily I say to you, it shall be more tolerable for Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city.” ~ Yeshua, Mark 6:11
So for now, I pray that the Lord’s will be done and that truth is revealed in their lives – His truth and mine. Wouldn’t that be something if the Lord actually came to save the lot of them?? It would be really great if He did that even though it doesn’t mean they necessarily get to be in my life again if it does happen – there’s been too much hurt and all trust has been broken. … And with that, I leave it all in the Lord’s hands, to do as He wills concerning them.
~ Saoirse Quill