This is a revised comment I made on ‘The Messy Mrs.’, after a reader attacked her out of complete ignorance, in my humble opinion. It goes to show that on the outside looking in, people don’t see what victims/survivors of malignant narcissism have endured. They have no idea what it has done to our hearts, minds and our very souls!! This is my rant defending the writer … it really gets my dander up when people spew hurtful words about things they have never experienced or simply don’t understand! It is the most frustrating thing for victims/survivors of abuse by malignant narcissists – not being understood or even believed. This is my very emotional RANT!!
Way to go, Messy Mrs.!!! People are so ready to attack us when we ‘appear’ to have loving/caring mothers – who are great at putting on ‘the show’ and only when it suits them to. Providing just physical needs for children is not enough!! Not even freaking close! Emotional abuse and neglect is not okay! Being conditioned by one’s mother to believe you’re unloveable and the dregs of the earth, is not okay. Being ridiculed for being who you are, is not okay!! Bending over backwards to be someone you’re not to try to win your mother’s love, is not okay!! My mother did this too – and yes, like you, I am grateful for a roof over my head and clothes on my back as a child – which I’m sure she only provided so that no one could say she was a bad mother and thus not have Child Protective Services knocking on her door to take away her much needed scapegoat!! Everything narcissistic abusers do is not for other people – it’s for themselves – for their own selfish reasons! People have no idea that parents like ours have caused us irreparable damage – I am now 50 years old and I will never be ‘over it.’ I still live with C-PTSD, although it’s not near as bad as it used to be. I still have anxiety attacks. I will say though, that I am over the abuse enough though where it no longer consumes my thoughts 24-7, but it has forever changed me – I still have no real identity of my own. The damage these kind of abusers do is over the top! Believe me, if we could produce the scars on our hearts and soul so they showed on our skin – believe me when I say, we would produce scarring that would make us appear to have been beaten unrecognizable!!
People tend to think we are overreacting, that we have a ruffled feather over what they think are trivial things – this is SO not the case!! Many don’t realize that their abuse is subtle to others but never to their victim who actually knows the full brunt force behind their words because of the brutal verbal and emotional abuse that happens in private. Most are completely unaware of what goes on behind closed doors. They don’t even know that our abuser is actually two different people – one is a monster behind a mask, and the other a most caring saint!! Guess which one is the real one?! Not the latter!! Most of our mothers’ abuses are done when no one else is around and it’s their word against ours! When she did abuse in front of certain people – it was safe for her to do so for she had already won their allegiance! She knew they’d say nothing and side with her. Our mothers who, in my case anyway, would tell people I was lying and making things up when I was the one telling the bloody truth!!! It bothers me when people go into attack mode without, at least, asking more questions! People don’t understand what it is like being raised by an abusive malignant narcissist parent – and in our case, it was our mothers – who should have bloody loved us by the way!! Like you, I gave my abusive and evil mother countless chances to change, countless chances to apologize, countless times I extended mulligans when she said cruel and cutting things – and what did it do?? Absolutely nothing! In fact, trying to love her into loving me didn’t even work – it just incurred more abuse. People have no idea what we endured being these women’s daughters (except those of course who have had them.) None. They have no idea how much we sacrificed who we are for them, how hard we tried being who they wanted us to be – which by the way, was never enough either, leaving us feeling utterly worthless, a walking black void of nothingness – and that is not an exaggeration either!! They have no idea how hard we tried to win them over – and nothing worked. Nothing!
They don’t get that we tried to develop healthy relationships with our mothers – oh, man, did we try! That mother-daughter bond, in my opinion, was a bond that was never meant to be cut – which I am sure is why it felt excruciating doing it – I cut ties 16 years ago and I am still heartbroken over the fact that I had to do it. I am sure that for you, as it was for me, it was the most freaking painful thing I have ever had to do – that I didn’t ever want to do and never intended to do before my mother’s abuse became unbearable. Never in my life did I ever think I would have to cut my mother from my life one day – but for my own sanity and, yes, even my physical health, I had to. For the lives and welfare of my own young children, I had to!! Even for my marriage, I had to! She left me no other choice.
Thank you for being one of the brave ones – for speaking out against insidious and diabolical evil (like I also do) … the Lord commands us to not cover up evil – but to expose it. Keep speaking truth, Messy Mrs., and know you have sisters who have also endured this kind of abuse and we are behind you. We have your back! Always.
To go into attack mode with someone, without all the facts, is NOT OKAY!!! People think they know about this kind of abuse, but believe me when I say – no one can even begin to understand it unless they’ve lived it!! No one can even grasp how painful and debilitating it is until they have walked in our shoes for at least 20 years because it takes that freaking long for you to know the full effects of this kind of abuse. So, if you haven’t experienced this kind of abuse … you don’t get to speak against it. If you have questions, great! Ask away … but do not ever, ever, ever assume you think you know what it is like to endure this kind of abuse … because, if you haven’t walked this walk, you will never know – you won’t even be able to imagine it on a small scale!! … Spouting off about things you have no knowledge of is … NOT OKAY!!!
~ Saoirse Quill
If you want to check out the blog and the comments where I left my original comment, you can check it out here: